You think that you were hurting me,
but I promise I was letting you.
Is there a way to find my inner peace,
without completely depleting my fire?
To calm the storm that brews inside me,
without burning out the melancholy that
keeps me writing?
I look into the mirror, and I see an extraterrestrial right now. I can finally admit that I know nothing about the world around me, and although I am frightened I am enlightened. Meditation suddenly makes sense, Yoga no longer seems boring, and the path to happiness is somewhat forming. I see it, in front of me.
I am stubborn while holding on to the unidentified anger that lingers inside of me. It is like an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, not so much like with a lover; more like an abusive parent that you love too much to let go of. Afraid that if they are gone, you will lose a part of your identity. If I am no longer angry, and the happiness never comes…then what happens to me?
I’ve forgotten what lips I’ve kissed,
and where, and why.
I know nothing of their heartbeats,
their intentions, or woes.
I am simply lost in you and its anomaly
what makes of your frame and frame of
mind, I draw an answer of ___________
when you are around.
No amount of excitement is fearless,
I’ve kicked through lives that range from the beginnings of
disconsolate and hollow nights alone, to
days filled with overstuffed emotions and passion that has
flown into rage from the wounded hearts I’ve sacrificed
to comfort my soul
Only remembering what was a vague sense of my
I see only my heart possessed by a reformed demon, trying
to experiment in love in hopes to redeem its way
back into a purer place, he sits heavily with positivity in mind,
and as I try to exorcise myself back to life,
he says to quit trying to escape him, that he believes in me.
Writing into the walls of my heart-
It matters not that I’ve forgotten what lips I’ve kissed,
and where, and why.
and that I know nothing of their heartbeats,
their intentions, or woes.
Because now, all I can remember is love.
Perhaps I shouldn’t drink this wine,
because it has me seeing lips and hearing voices
that have been distant like a third ward Country.
Recreating your touch, and it feels like I’ve been
laying on a field with sprinklers constantly raining
down mistakes and mishaps of our love, back when it
was more than my body could handle…
A divided partnership
My mind is this relationships backbone
Putting the abuse into perspective
I love him, my heart broken with actions
but mended with words
Skipping a beat when I hear the beat of your ringtone
You’ve walked on me for the last time
Your fabricated words of love so heavy, trying to crack my hearts shield
But not with those unloving actions administering this experience
Each touch feels like silk, nothing can replace this exciting
anxiety as it hits me in speeds like going through a wind tunnel.
A part of me feels cheated, left with nothing to show but gray hairs
and my thoughts.
My mind is this relationships backbone.
My heart is this relationships cheerleader.
Dancing, bouncing across walls. My picture perfect family
too many blemishes.
My heart, my mind. A divided partnership.
With each thought moving me forward
Each heart beat moving me backward
A twisted dance created by insecurity masked in contentment.
I can’t believe that it has been two months since i’ve posted any type of creative writing onto my blog. Odd, but definitely because I can’t seem to finish anything that I have been starting, a writers nightmare. I am stuck in a state of Nostalgia, the exact thing that I am longing for is a mystery, however. I can’t pinpoint it to be a person, even though I have lost many, many friends in the past year. (That sounds terrible…) But I view it as shedding layers, shedding dead weight. Not all relationships are meant to last, and the ones that i’ve lost were never meant to last. So I am certain it is not that. Perhaps it is stress? lately, I have been dealing with a few health issues…some things that people don’t know about, other things people don’t care about (lol), but either way…I guess it has caused a little bit of stress on my head. So…I am going to try and post some stuff to keep things up to date with my readers.
I feel different.
It’s real this time, and very scary.
The difference consists of finding out how much of a stranger I am, to myself. Impossible for me to be known by outsiders, the truth is that I am in some sort of Pandora’s box of mystery, if it is opened it might take me to a place of no return. It may even destroy me. What is even more frightening is what not knowing what would be left of me when I am gone. What message did I send to everyone else? and what have I taught them through our relationship?….far far too many were left with chapters unread, some left with nothing on the pages, in those instances we had simply walked away mid-story with little desire to keep the creative juices flowing. Would the urge to know the real ending emerge if I were gone? Or will me being gone be the happily ever after in their version of what should be penned? if that were the case then I couldn’t blame them.
Sometimes I look at the things that I write, and I see why I am pegged as a dark writer. I don’t like the word dark to describe it though. When you think of dark, you think of depressed..sad…hurtful. I am none of those things all of the time, no more than any other human. I am no victim, my woes are simply story-starters. I’d rather look at myself as the fluid writer. I want you to see clearly through me, I want you to know exactly where my head was when I sat down to type this. I want you to envision exactly what it would be like to be me. At this time…and I am not 100% there yet, but that is my goal.
Stay with me guys, I have some amazing things to show you…
As I busily sought after a continual change, you met me at each stop sign with a message that it was okay to be me. I wanted fortune to land upon my hands but you were rich all along and prepared to share every last penny of love and your love was like a million 2 dollar bills, rare, a collectors piece but I treated it like it was chump change now I am left on street corners day after day hoping the next stranger walking by will be of value and help me fulfill this fix, never knew of my addiction until I felt like I needed you so I kept looking, sure enough one day I’d be blessed like the Christian’s say, just had to walk my life in the Lords way, but instead I kept straying in a direction of a loss prophet named dysfunction but nicknamed fun… you were still ready to teach me, take me under your wing and protect me from your many imposters. I kept going, and you never stopped meeting me, hoping that one day I’d wake up and meet you halfway. Now I am slowing down, I can’t breathe, diagnosed with shame and preparing for a surgically implanted self blame, How could I miss this..when all-along I was living on your hearts vibrations? Waiting for your everything to pump though my veins like life eternally, so loudly you’d say “I’m not going anywhere” but I couldn’t hear you over the repeated voice saying; one day she’ll walk away, one day she’ll walk away… and imagining this would be like getting hit with a slow bullet, an agonizing demise that would only translate into torturous punishment. Yet..you stayed even when I didn’t deserve it.
Goddess, you are love.
Have you ever looked at your friends and thought “o_______O, why the HELL am I so close to these people?”.
They are the friends that you don’t understand but can’t picture your life without. They are the ones you have those uncomfortable conversations with that you can’t even fathom sharing with your family members. My circle of friends is very small, literally consists of a few people and they have been around for a very long time. Yes, they get on my nerves. Almost to the point that I would want to strangle them! But…I can’t see myself not having them around. After a night of performing drunk and disorderly acts, I thought I would dedicate one of my daily blog entries to the things they have taught me. Through their mistakes, their advice, the fights, cries, and laughs, you can count on them to pass on a lesson or two, whether you pick up on it immediately or not.
Accept others for who they are.
Me and my friends are about as similar as a dog and a catfish. From relationship views, home life, goals, ideals, political views, and even the idea of sexuality. Each one of them has a very different view on each of those topics, and that is why I love them. Even when I can’t and don’t understand why and how they do things, I accept and love them anyway because I am sure they feel the same way about me. I’ve grown to take each opinion and lifestyle that is shared with me with a grain on salt.
Appreciate the ones who prove they are true to themselves and YOU
They may not always be what you would want to be, but they are who they are. Every year we interact with hundreds of people, sometimes thousands, and its pretty obviously that people are not going to display their true selves. But when you have a friendship with someone for several years and they have consistently been who they are, then you can appreciate the honesty that is shared.
Wrap it UP!
I love my friends kids, but man has she taught me that I make a much better aunt than I do a mommy (right now anyway). At times I wish that we could all just buy a plane ticket and fly to the Bahamas together, all single bachelorettes with no kiddie baggage to tote around the airport in hopes that they would go to sleep. But the reality is…that’s not going to happen. So I can definitely say that I have been taught about wrapping it up when I get down! No kids for me! haha!
Don’t Get Too Involved In Your Friends’ Love Lives
As much as you would like to save them from the big scary emotional monster called love, you simply can’t. In the past, I would get so wrapped up and almost insulted and hurt whenever I felt I was offering my friends the answer to their relationship woes and they were nodded to but ignored. But I have found that women react better with the same approach that men have been giving for ages. Don’t talk, just listen, and agree. When my friends are telling me about their relationships, they are not asking me for answers, they are asking me to listen. I have heard them
Live A Little.
It is easy to get stuck and stressed by all of the responsibilities of being an adult. So many bills to pay, so many moves to make, so many expectations. But a few of my friends live a life that is carefree and positive. I want that to rub off on me, so I am going to live a little bit more.
Keep your crew small and tight
There is nothing like having a lot of friends, so I thought! I’ve learned that having a bunch of friends proves to be messy, emotionally consuming, hard to maintain, and leaves room for lingering relationships that may do more harm than good. Keep your crew tight. Even one true friend beats out 10 that don’t have your best interest at heart.
Be involved in a COM- Circle Of Motivation
Can you imagine the power that would ensue if you had a group of people around you that were *motivated*? I have had friends that were just slowly moving through life with no real aspirations, and although I know it isn’t my life they are wasting, there is no comparison to having friends that are all making moves. Success should run in pacts. If you have a friend that is just floating through life, do what you can to push them up to be better…if being better is not their goal, then perhaps its time you focus on those who have the similarity of completing goals. Who knows, you moving up just might motivate them.
Be Open to different people/things
You would think that having exact characteristics as the people around you would make for a perfect friendship. But honestly, I find that having friends who have different lifestyles or cultural backgrounds is both educating and interesting. I’ve experienced different foods, languages, religions, and beliefs, just from hanging out with people who didn’t grow up in the same background. I think that’s great! I don’t see how someone could be prejudice in a world that offers so many beautiful things! You can experience that face to face with who you befriend.
Don’t Be Too Proud
Often times, we believe that we are right in situations and are too stubborn to make the first move to fix things. If you know you have a good person in your life then don’t wait too long to resurrect your friendship. I’ve walked away from a couple of situations with regret, and I have had people walk away from me with no intent to rectify the situation. I’ve learned that I should put my pride aside and apologize when needed. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree and focus on the bigger picture.
The only friends that I would walk away from-and not look back- are the ones that spend more time discussing what parts of me that they do not agree with more than discussing their appreciation of me as a person in their lives. If they are against a part of who you are, and make it blatantly obvious that they do not respect you or your lifestyle, then perhaps they should not be in your life. That is just my personal opinion. But I will always and forever be myself, and no one else. If they can’t deal, they gotta go! A true friendship is when you are free to be yourself without any judgement. That shows a true to blue homie right there.
Okay, that’s all. Hope this helps you appreciate the good message you get from your crew everyday.
Do not remember me when I am gone
If that thought brings you grief.
I hear that
callous marks decay a beautiful heart, and
You’re going to need that when walking
through the concrete fields.
Do not remember me when I am gone
because, who says the mind has room
for one million memories?
Or that we couldn’t pick and choose those
captivating moments in time that we are
happy to give time to;
I say don’t remember me when I am gone
cause those moments, are gone. They go away
like wind, or like the time when we spent time hiking
somewhere in the hills of nowhereland,
and I stood picking away at the poison on an angel’s wing.
I broke out in blisters, you laughed at me.
Hard not to.
But I still say don’t remember me, not now
if the thought is like an afflicting injection
of rejection flowing throughout your bloodstream,
And it becomes the host of your body, taking over your
immunization. I need you to be healthy, to care for the
reserved memories just in case they resurface
And when they say that love didn’t exist
You’ll have room to remember me…