You think that you were hurting me,
but I promise I was letting you.
The Lion or the House Cat. The dark room slowly filled with strangers with the familiar face of uncertainty and a lust for love, or filled with the love of lust. All searching for that one moment to climax, to finish in ecstasy, with some hoping to then begin a new chapter of love and romance with someone of the same-sex. This room, a large yet seedy nightclub in the middle of San diego's gay utopia of Hillcrest allowed everyone the freedom of ambiguity, to be set free in a land where they could be a lion or a house cat, to chase and devour their next meal like it were their last, or to sit and wait to be served by their master, to be the aggressor or to be taken down, everyone played a role. I needed a place like this. I needed choices. I wanted to feel the differences between being right and doing wrong, to be allowed the choice to be confused and then figure out the answer on my own. My sexuality had become the biggest mark in my life. I needed to find out if I was the straightened arrow that my heart had longed for, or if I was indeed the sexual deviant that my mind had often conjured up, I wanted to see if a woman's touch could answer these questions for the rest of my life, so I could go to my grave and know that in this life, I didn't make the mistake of not asking enough questions, not seeking enough answers. Satanic, men who were accountants by day had turn into sado-masochists, women who had children at home were there to experience another woman's mouth on their breasts. I stared out by the dj booth, sorted through the options. "Not feminine enough", "Not my type", "Too many tattoos", nothing catching my eye, but I remained seated, waited for her to walk through the door. I knew exactly what she was waiting for... I turned around to order another drink, the bartender looked familiar, latina with a bunch of tattoos and a beautiful smile. She went out to the neo soul nightclub that would jump off downtown, but on certain nights she'd spend her nights in the clubs trying to attract a woman to appease her secret appetite, to get attention from pretty girls in order to say that she'd done it. There were so many like her. "Excuse me, haven't I seen you down at Onyx?" I ask her with direct eye contact. "Oh my god, yes! What're you doing here love?" She smiled big. I gave her no answer, let her imagination give her everything that she needed. She waited for me, as I internally deemed her my first conquest; Waiting to be served by the master; her obedience, my control. Realizing at that moment, that I am the most dangerous lion out there.
Like it were stabbed
So much damage done.
Forgive me for 2014.
And give me
3 hundred and sixty something
If I were insane i’d think it were you standing over me.
but, I am simply not crazy enough.
I can feel your breathing though, it is short and inanimate,
like the ones you hear in those scary movies.
You were never in my life, nope.
but I can still hear, I can still feel your breathing though.
I wake up angry, every time!
it’s 3 a.m and you are here, but never here…bothering me
I say out loud “Daddy, would you let me sleep?”
ugh, you invade my brain like you are a dictator taking over a Country.
You are never there, not once…when I was looking.
but here you are, I can hear you, in my room- breathing.
You died, but I hear you…you’re still breathing.
Why, why must you leave me twice? Don’t you care about me?
But I am no victim, just moody because I am sleepy.
Dad, I still call you that because you did help create me.
You were so mean too, I remember you always yelling at me!
But now, you say nothing
just breaths late in the night, to remind me
that you, are gone and I can only see you in my dreams, or when I am awake
and the rest of the world is sleeping.
Guess you can’t rest in peace either.
Can be so painful sometimes.
Especially when life takes your voice away. Writing a poem no longer feels like a skill or a hobby, it becomes a task. A life or death situation that no one can save you from but yourself, words just drift around your head space; tortuous banner, taking away any ability to relieve your stress.
I imagine that is what writers block feels for you as well?
Every once in a while I stare at my blog post drafts and sigh, what the hell is drying up my creative juices these days?
Oh well. I read somewhere that “If you can’t be a poet, be the poem.” So I will continue to live my life until a movement moves and then soothes me.
I’m moving all the way down,
Motions and emotions
You tell me to keep going,
But I stop right…there.
Have I ever told you that your body
And not just any beautiful, more like
The kind that lingers long after one closes their eyes.
Art, changing a non-believer;
Perfect specimen, sexual healer.
You go to hide away,
I pull your hand away,
Baby, I know you…
I love that body like it owns me,
From each curve of your legs, to the sounds your mouth makes,
No dusk nor day break
Can keep you from my head space.
I just wanted to remind you…
Easy to see clearly when cleaned properly.
No blemishes or streaks to block visibility
Outside you’d find sun and palm trees,
But only if you are looking.
Aka, learn from your past, don’t let it stop you from seeing the beauty of what’s ahead of you.
We are sick!
Throwing up accusations
Invading each other’s mental space
Constantly on a difference pace
But we are alive though.
Breathing life into a dying situation
Marrying hope, avoiding the devastation
Of losing each other
To another lover
To be set free with no real constellation;
With a negative revelation
that love could have never saved us.
We are sick, true.
But Im saying hey love! (Smile)
Coursing inside of our veins like morphine through an IV.
Believe me, in me, with me…
And yeah, others love may die, yet
all sickness aside, we are alive,
Stay with me.
So what makes a bigger fool, love or pride? Intuition makes her heart much harder than usual. Her senses are magnified, what if she were right all along? She didn't want to be. Looking back on easier days, she'd never have to worry about someones whereabouts, because she simply didn't care. "Nice guys finish last", or maybe the assholes did, but they didn't care so it was hardly noticed...moments of rejection seemed foreign because there was always another option waiting for the call, always waiting to obtain the unattainable, who was never really unattainable, just cautious...full of pride, knowing that love was for fools. She was tempted to take a drag of a cigarette. Wanted to calm her nerves before she walked in the building. Her lover, her cause for plight was currently M.I.A. Not missing in action but making it arduous to figure out her motives. Why was she there? Her previous route would be to find a replacement, but she knew that doing that would only fulfill a temporary gratification, her mind would still be clouded with questions, heart still filled with mourning. She didn't know what she was trying to figure out, or why she was trying to hold on... but she was, and it was exhausting her.