You think that you were hurting me,
but I promise I was letting you.
Just when you thought the chemistry was waning
and the want to kiss you was fading;
That the thought of us was too real
And that the reality of us working was unreal;
The universe turned us both upside down…
Think about it though!
24 hours in a day,
7 days a week,
We have a choice that seems detrimental if we choose incorrectly;
And yet, we’ve chosen one another…still
31 and 26 years old to date
We both feel like time is running out and tomorrow isn’t even a consideration!
We think and rethink our choices
Nights like this remind us that we are
Indeed too infinite to plan around…
Every fight felt like I was mourning the loss of the greatest love of my life.
And now…I am wondering how I am going to pay for the burial.
Because we are
By a surrounding so dirty,
By people, so dirty;
My heart will break
My air will be
Look up baby
Because I am watching you and not the television screen
Reading you like a book written in sign language
Playing it safe until I know that you’re ready for me
Taking notes of poetry each time you doubt the kind of love you’ve received… The expectation of perfection only pulls me in; my kiss to your lips are laced with flavors of your past sins, I want to drive you crazy so you learn the real meaning of love without boundaries… I do it all to watch you squirm…
I don’t even know who you are.
After a year has passed, and multiple clashes have existed between us, the same question plagues me like a mental illness. Who are you?
I can put together vague descriptions, a puerile yet beautiful human playing reprisals as if it were a game of chess, never understanding that I had given up a long time ago, standing by idly and waiting for the light bulb to turn on above your head…surely that would be the expectation since you’re still around me begging for another chance to redeem your questionable behavior, after the initial feeling of anger I laugh at our relationships nature, we are -nowhere- near the same, our differences so drastic that I am surprised that we have even last as long as we did, our issues an epitome of lesbian stereotypes, placing ourselves in the center of a proverbial paradox- suffering in this relationship of a pseudo love to say that we have a lover, yeah I know…it confuses me too.
I thought that I wanted answers, but I don’t. I thought that…maybe a little more time would address what didn’t make sense inside of me, how chemistry could seem so promising but really it has always been me promising myself that I wouldn’t have to be alone again mentally, that the void previously filled so sporadically would soon be a distant memory, along with the many other things that have hurt me, but no…I was wrong about this one too. Now, I miss those lonely days because at least they were not angry, they weren’t questioning…every move of the person laying next to me, I didn’t care and that is a beautiful feeling, one that is misunderstood and taken lightly.
Oh well. Back to the basics, right?
Titles, they die.
In a bed of roses on
Top of its grave.
I’ll write this broken
Dream a letter,
Until the feeling of reminisce
Hoping that the
Thoughts, can maintain
Like saying goodbye
Being a weakness, instead of
Rest in peace,
To this love.
Loving me is not an accomplishment,
I am the ugliest form of life,
With shades of grey so dark that Black
Would be envious.
I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you, or that my heart is pure.
What is mine.
No moment, nor human, is solely yours. Moments are to be shared with the universe, also, another person can never truly be yours wholly, as they hold an entire entity of power that isn’t attainable, but can too be shared if they so choose. This is a human characteristic that is crippling. You focus on controlling ownership of another, and you lose focus of yourself. This is a struggle I am now trying to get a hold of.
I know that I do not “own” you.
But, many times I find myself painting bright colors of my ideals onto your image in my mind, becoming an artist just so that I can sit back proudly at my creation, this sounds completely selfish and unrealistic, but my acceptance of this behavior is my way of fixing it; fixing me. You
ARE kind of perfect, because your unpredictability gives me a fire that I am sure wouldn’t exist if you were to follow my every command. Like a poem that I finish I may nod my head at the finish product but I would soon get bored with the finished product and look to re-create.
I’ll leave it to the universe to share with me the best and not so best moments, and I will hope for the continued opportunity to share in the world of your continued self-ownership.
I catch you staring at me.
Standing right there, feet and distrust planted in concrete.
You know that one step further and you’ll fall into me and never climb your way back out.
I watch you in question, whether it was love or hate that has brought you here.
that’s the message that I’m getting, so I chase you-
but only enough for you to give your heart some exercise.
I never told you that it would be easy to love me…