You think that you were hurting me,
but I promise I was letting you.
Just when you thought the chemistry was waning
and the want to kiss you was fading;
That the thought of us was too real
And that the reality of us working was unreal;
The universe turned us both upside down…
Think about it though!
24 hours in a day,
7 days a week,
We have a choice that seems detrimental if we choose incorrectly;
And yet, we’ve chosen one another…still
31 and 26 years old to date
We both feel like time is running out and tomorrow isn’t even a consideration!
We think and rethink our choices
Nights like this remind us that we are
Indeed too infinite to plan around…
Every fight felt like I was mourning the loss of the greatest love of my life.
And now…I am wondering how I am going to pay for the burial.
Because we are
By a surrounding so dirty,
By people, so dirty;
My heart will break
My air will be
Look up baby
Because I am watching you and not the television screen
Reading you like a book written in sign language
Playing it safe until I know that you’re ready for me
Taking notes of poetry each time you doubt the kind of love you’ve received… The expectation of perfection only pulls me in; my kiss to your lips are laced with flavors of your past sins, I want to drive you crazy so you learn the real meaning of love without boundaries… I do it all to watch you squirm…
Tragedy feels like a motion picture.
I feel it hurting me, but only temporary… like a scene in a tear jerker movie.
Tomorrow I will wake as if it never happened.
As if yesterday,
I didn’t die from heartbreak.
Today, I lost 20 dollars.
Even better though…
Is that today,
Someone found 20 dollars.
Life is like magic,
And I am the magician.
So, side note:
I sit in my car, right outside of the
Home I am renting. I always sit in my car and think, write about stuff after i get home from work. Always curious about change, I think back on this date exactly one year ago. I wrote something that sent chills down my own spine…here…I’ll post it below:
I didn’t know it before, I’d never seen it before
I knew that it existed, but it was an observation of the person next to me, in front of me,
never inside of me.
I am angry.
I first noticed the signs when small things would well up this burning ball of fire, an immediate need to reach
How do you know that you are living or simply existing? Hoping that your silent screams are heard
loud enough through the speakers of your writings, to share the remedies of both mental and emotional
heartache through the tip of your ink pen?
Reading this freaked me out, because as I sit in the car, I want to write the same exact thing. Same emotion. Some fear, just a different year. Makes me think. How much have I really changed since September of 2014?
She could fold me up
Like a piece of paper
I was whole
Now I am origami
The back seat of this car
to bleed in.
parked between this life,
and the next,
wonder what the next life
will look like,
When I close my eyes…
i have to keep reminding myself that things are better than my untrained eye can decipher.
I feel cold at night but there’s a blanket on top of me, my heart feels wary and my mind is dreary but I remind myself that just 2 months ago I was worried about any and everything that would cost money, and losing the closest person that I’d ever let next to me.
The battle to recognize my triumphs is a daily affirmation for me. I am too familiar with lonely and it makes me think of who I’ve lost recently but then the daily affirmation continues…
I continue to chat in whispers, I consciously exercise my breathing.
I’m just not for everybody.
My next move is so strategically planned that I scare myself, nothing else can go wrong or I’ll blow up like a building full of terrorists who are trying their hardest to prove something…
I am a terrorist too. My mind is full of bombs created in my own bedroom, restless nights of roaming the internet trying to research the tools needed to create my own explosive changes, I want to blow up myself into tiny pieces, come back to life with a whole new set of eyes, thoughts, and cares, that would be my prize for my martyr sacrifice. Paradise; it would be heaven…