You think that you were hurting me,
but I promise I was letting you.
Every fight felt like I was mourning the loss of the greatest love of my life.
And now…I am wondering how I am going to pay for the burial.
Tragedy feels like a motion picture.
I feel it hurting me, but only temporary… like a scene in a tear jerker movie.
Tomorrow I will wake as if it never happened.
As if yesterday,
I didn’t die from heartbreak.
She could fold me up
Like a piece of paper
I was whole
Now I am origami
Loving me is not an accomplishment,
I am the ugliest form of life,
With shades of grey so dark that Black
Would be envious.
I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you, or that my heart is pure.
I catch you staring at me.
Standing right there, feet and distrust planted in concrete.
You know that one step further and you’ll fall into me and never climb your way back out.
I watch you in question, whether it was love or hate that has brought you here.
that’s the message that I’m getting, so I chase you-
but only enough for you to give your heart some exercise.
I never told you that it would be easy to love me…
The Lion or the House Cat. The dark room slowly filled with strangers with the familiar face of uncertainty and a lust for love, or filled with the love of lust. All searching for that one moment to climax, to finish in ecstasy, with some hoping to then begin a new chapter of love and romance with someone of the same-sex. This room, a large yet seedy nightclub in the middle of San diego's gay utopia of Hillcrest allowed everyone the freedom of ambiguity, to be set free in a land where they could be a lion or a house cat, to chase and devour their next meal like it were their last, or to sit and wait to be served by their master, to be the aggressor or to be taken down, everyone played a role. I needed a place like this. I needed choices. I wanted to feel the differences between being right and doing wrong, to be allowed the choice to be confused and then figure out the answer on my own. My sexuality had become the biggest mark in my life. I needed to find out if I was the straightened arrow that my heart had longed for, or if I was indeed the sexual deviant that my mind had often conjured up, I wanted to see if a woman's touch could answer these questions for the rest of my life, so I could go to my grave and know that in this life, I didn't make the mistake of not asking enough questions, not seeking enough answers. Satanic, men who were accountants by day had turn into sado-masochists, women who had children at home were there to experience another woman's mouth on their breasts. I stared out by the dj booth, sorted through the options. "Not feminine enough", "Not my type", "Too many tattoos", nothing catching my eye, but I remained seated, waited for her to walk through the door. I knew exactly what she was waiting for... I turned around to order another drink, the bartender looked familiar, latina with a bunch of tattoos and a beautiful smile. She went out to the neo soul nightclub that would jump off downtown, but on certain nights she'd spend her nights in the clubs trying to attract a woman to appease her secret appetite, to get attention from pretty girls in order to say that she'd done it. There were so many like her. "Excuse me, haven't I seen you down at Onyx?" I ask her with direct eye contact. "Oh my god, yes! What're you doing here love?" She smiled big. I gave her no answer, let her imagination give her everything that she needed. She waited for me, as I internally deemed her my first conquest; Waiting to be served by the master; her obedience, my control. Realizing at that moment, that I am the most dangerous lion out there.
Your heart is filthy…
But I love
Enough to dust it off;
In a time
People are too lazy to do
Their own cleaning.
Everything about her was a horror movie.
I await her next move, and it was a nightmare.
How someone so murderous
Could make me feel
I turned the air conditioner on 69 because I keep
waking up in hot sweats.
Losing the battle over who my mind should be on
Trying to remain controlled, though my mind is on
like a light switch spasming from faulty
electricity. Its not fair that you get to sleep
through the night,
When I am the one who has been disrespected.
But I try to keep my thoughts blank, because
thinking about the unfairness causes my mind to
blank, anger rushes out of me like it were running
late, no real refrained composure, my heart
shakes in my chest feeling like compulsions, when
is it appropriate to lose control? Mourning my
time like it was a child of mine, wanting it back
because it feels like everything else has declined
around me, losing you I thought to be a tragedy
until i looked at everything in clarity, so many
chances I’ve given you to love me- something I
thought to be so special because others seemed
too lazy, you were just a really bad actress and it
kills me, how I waited out your performance
because I thought you were improving, now I’m
back uncomfortable with my back, head, and
heart hurting. You’re going to regret everything
you’ve ever done to me, of this I’m sure. When it
really hits you, its over this time for good.