You think that you were hurting me,
but I promise I was letting you.
I stare at my lies in the face.
They have become invaluable to me;
A presence of being majestic,
Taking over my existence.
They have replaced the person that you’ve decided to spend
your life with,
becoming more important than the relationships that
I have committed to.
Who do I tell that I have fallen in love with
my own destruction?
That continuous disappointments have led me down
the path of being satisfied with self sabotage,
and the only thing that matters is that
I stop denying the fact that it has control over me.
I have amputated your arms from your shoulders
Your legs from your hips
Took away your heart from your chest
and left you with nothing but lies you couldn’t keep up with.
Every fight felt like I was mourning the loss of the greatest love of my life.
And now…I am wondering how I am going to pay for the burial.
Could be strong like the moon
But we burn like the sun.
Washed into the ocean in waves
Buried alive in the sand.
I want you to be a part of me, so much so that without you breathing would be like breathing under water, but instead I feel your hands wrapped around my neck; breathing fire down my back, widening the holes where many before you have stabbed me before…
How many times can I say that I want this chaos to be peaceful?
That I know how to win the war but I choose to let you succeed in complaining, sitting quietly?
Look up baby
Because I am watching you and not the television screen
Reading you like a book written in sign language
Playing it safe until I know that you’re ready for me
Taking notes of poetry each time you doubt the kind of love you’ve received… The expectation of perfection only pulls me in; my kiss to your lips are laced with flavors of your past sins, I want to drive you crazy so you learn the real meaning of love without boundaries… I do it all to watch you squirm…
I don’t even know who you are.
After a year has passed, and multiple clashes have existed between us, the same question plagues me like a mental illness. Who are you?
I can put together vague descriptions, a puerile yet beautiful human playing reprisals as if it were a game of chess, never understanding that I had given up a long time ago, standing by idly and waiting for the light bulb to turn on above your head…surely that would be the expectation since you’re still around me begging for another chance to redeem your questionable behavior, after the initial feeling of anger I laugh at our relationships nature, we are -nowhere- near the same, our differences so drastic that I am surprised that we have even last as long as we did, our issues an epitome of lesbian stereotypes, placing ourselves in the center of a proverbial paradox- suffering in this relationship of a pseudo love to say that we have a lover, yeah I know…it confuses me too.
I thought that I wanted answers, but I don’t. I thought that…maybe a little more time would address what didn’t make sense inside of me, how chemistry could seem so promising but really it has always been me promising myself that I wouldn’t have to be alone again mentally, that the void previously filled so sporadically would soon be a distant memory, along with the many other things that have hurt me, but no…I was wrong about this one too. Now, I miss those lonely days because at least they were not angry, they weren’t questioning…every move of the person laying next to me, I didn’t care and that is a beautiful feeling, one that is misunderstood and taken lightly.
Oh well. Back to the basics, right?
She could fold me up
Like a piece of paper
I was whole
Now I am origami
Loving me is not an accomplishment,
I am the ugliest form of life,
With shades of grey so dark that Black
Would be envious.
I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you, or that my heart is pure.
I catch you staring at me.
Standing right there, feet and distrust planted in concrete.
You know that one step further and you’ll fall into me and never climb your way back out.
I watch you in question, whether it was love or hate that has brought you here.
that’s the message that I’m getting, so I chase you-
but only enough for you to give your heart some exercise.
I never told you that it would be easy to love me…
The Lion or the House Cat. The dark room slowly filled with strangers with the familiar face of uncertainty and a lust for love, or filled with the love of lust. All searching for that one moment to climax, to finish in ecstasy, with some hoping to then begin a new chapter of love and romance with someone of the same-sex. This room, a large yet seedy nightclub in the middle of San diego's gay utopia of Hillcrest allowed everyone the freedom of ambiguity, to be set free in a land where they could be a lion or a house cat, to chase and devour their next meal like it were their last, or to sit and wait to be served by their master, to be the aggressor or to be taken down, everyone played a role. I needed a place like this. I needed choices. I wanted to feel the differences between being right and doing wrong, to be allowed the choice to be confused and then figure out the answer on my own. My sexuality had become the biggest mark in my life. I needed to find out if I was the straightened arrow that my heart had longed for, or if I was indeed the sexual deviant that my mind had often conjured up, I wanted to see if a woman's touch could answer these questions for the rest of my life, so I could go to my grave and know that in this life, I didn't make the mistake of not asking enough questions, not seeking enough answers. Satanic, men who were accountants by day had turn into sado-masochists, women who had children at home were there to experience another woman's mouth on their breasts. I stared out by the dj booth, sorted through the options. "Not feminine enough", "Not my type", "Too many tattoos", nothing catching my eye, but I remained seated, waited for her to walk through the door. I knew exactly what she was waiting for... I turned around to order another drink, the bartender looked familiar, latina with a bunch of tattoos and a beautiful smile. She went out to the neo soul nightclub that would jump off downtown, but on certain nights she'd spend her nights in the clubs trying to attract a woman to appease her secret appetite, to get attention from pretty girls in order to say that she'd done it. There were so many like her. "Excuse me, haven't I seen you down at Onyx?" I ask her with direct eye contact. "Oh my god, yes! What're you doing here love?" She smiled big. I gave her no answer, let her imagination give her everything that she needed. She waited for me, as I internally deemed her my first conquest; Waiting to be served by the master; her obedience, my control. Realizing at that moment, that I am the most dangerous lion out there.