Surprise

You think that you were hurting me,

but I promise I was letting you.

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The Liar- Part (1)

I stare at my lies in the face.
They have become invaluable to me;
A presence of being majestic,
Taking over my existence.
They have replaced┬áthe person that you’ve┬ádecided to spend
your life with,
becoming more important than the relationships that
I have committed to.
Who do I tell that I have fallen in love with
my own destruction?
That continuous disappointments have led me down
the path of being satisfied with self sabotage,
and the only thing that matters is that
I stop denying the fact that it has control over me.
I have amputated your arms from your shoulders
Your legs from your hips
Took away your heart from your chest
and left you with nothing but lies you couldn’t keep up with.

Could be strong like the moon

But we burn like the sun.

Washed into the ocean in waves

Buried alive in the sand.

I want you to be a part of me, so much so that without you breathing would be like breathing under water, but instead I feel your hands wrapped around my neck; breathing fire down my back, widening the holes where many before you have stabbed me before…

How many times can I say that I want this chaos to be peaceful?

That I know how to win the war but I choose to let you succeed in complaining, sitting quietly?

Mhm…

Look up baby
Because I am watching you and not the television screen
Reading you like a book written in sign language
Playing it safe until I know that you’re ready for me
Taking notes of poetry each time you doubt the kind of love you’ve received…

The expectation of perfection only pulls me in; my kiss to your lips are laced with flavors of your past sins, I want to drive you crazy so you learn the real meaning of love without boundaries…

I do it all to watch you squirm…

Proverbial paradox

I don’t even know who you are.
After a year has passed, and multiple clashes have existed between us, the same question plagues me like a mental illness. Who are you?

I can put together vague descriptions, a puerile yet beautiful human playing reprisals as if it were a game of chess, never understanding that I had given up a long time ago, standing by idly and waiting for the light bulb to turn on above your head…surely that would be the expectation since you’re still around me begging for another chance to redeem your questionable behavior, after the initial feeling of anger I laugh at our relationships nature, we are -nowhere- near the same, our differences so drastic that I am surprised that we have even last as long as we did, our issues an epitome of lesbian stereotypes, placing ourselves in the center of a proverbial paradox- suffering in this relationship of a pseudo love to say that we have a lover, yeah I know…it confuses me too.

I thought that I wanted answers, but I don’t. I thought that…maybe a little more time would address what didn’t make sense inside of me, how chemistry could seem so promising but really it has always been me promising myself that I wouldn’t have to be alone again mentally, that the void previously filled so sporadically would soon be a distant memory, along with the many other things that have hurt me, but no…I was wrong about this one too. Now, I miss those lonely days because at least they were not angry, they weren’t questioning…every move of the person laying next to me, I didn’t care and that is a beautiful feeling, one that is misunderstood and taken lightly.

Oh well. Back to the basics, right?

K