You think that you were hurting me,
but I promise I was letting you.
I stare at my lies in the face.
They have become invaluable to me;
A presence of being majestic,
Taking over my existence.
They have replaced the person that you’ve decided to spend
your life with,
becoming more important than the relationships that
I have committed to.
Who do I tell that I have fallen in love with
my own destruction?
That continuous disappointments have led me down
the path of being satisfied with self sabotage,
and the only thing that matters is that
I stop denying the fact that it has control over me.
I have amputated your arms from your shoulders
Your legs from your hips
Took away your heart from your chest
and left you with nothing but lies you couldn’t keep up with.
Every fight felt like I was mourning the loss of the greatest love of my life.
And now…I am wondering how I am going to pay for the burial.
Because we are
By a surrounding so dirty,
By people, so dirty;
My heart will break
My air will be
Tragedy feels like a motion picture.
I feel it hurting me, but only temporary… like a scene in a tear jerker movie.
Tomorrow I will wake as if it never happened.
As if yesterday,
I didn’t die from heartbreak.
I don’t even know who you are.
After a year has passed, and multiple clashes have existed between us, the same question plagues me like a mental illness. Who are you?
I can put together vague descriptions, a puerile yet beautiful human playing reprisals as if it were a game of chess, never understanding that I had given up a long time ago, standing by idly and waiting for the light bulb to turn on above your head…surely that would be the expectation since you’re still around me begging for another chance to redeem your questionable behavior, after the initial feeling of anger I laugh at our relationships nature, we are -nowhere- near the same, our differences so drastic that I am surprised that we have even last as long as we did, our issues an epitome of lesbian stereotypes, placing ourselves in the center of a proverbial paradox- suffering in this relationship of a pseudo love to say that we have a lover, yeah I know…it confuses me too.
I thought that I wanted answers, but I don’t. I thought that…maybe a little more time would address what didn’t make sense inside of me, how chemistry could seem so promising but really it has always been me promising myself that I wouldn’t have to be alone again mentally, that the void previously filled so sporadically would soon be a distant memory, along with the many other things that have hurt me, but no…I was wrong about this one too. Now, I miss those lonely days because at least they were not angry, they weren’t questioning…every move of the person laying next to me, I didn’t care and that is a beautiful feeling, one that is misunderstood and taken lightly.
Oh well. Back to the basics, right?
She could fold me up
Like a piece of paper
I was whole
Now I am origami
Loving me is not an accomplishment,
I am the ugliest form of life,
With shades of grey so dark that Black
Would be envious.
I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you, or that my heart is pure.
I catch you staring at me.
Standing right there, feet and distrust planted in concrete.
You know that one step further and you’ll fall into me and never climb your way back out.
I watch you in question, whether it was love or hate that has brought you here.
that’s the message that I’m getting, so I chase you-
but only enough for you to give your heart some exercise.
I never told you that it would be easy to love me…
Everything about her was a horror movie.
I await her next move, and it was a nightmare.
How someone so murderous
Could make me feel