Depression

She who is your closest friend
hugs your heart tight
and long;
too long,
until it beats harder to loosen
the grip.
She loves you more than others
love you. She loves you more than
you love you. Like a birth
mark, she will be there to disfigure
and distinguish you from others,
but can camouflage into your skin
so well that others may see her,
but only if they are paying enough
attention.
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A short letter to my Friend, A.

I lost a friend to suicide two days ago. Three days ago, I wouldn’t have called him a friend.
We were more like acquaintances, work associates. Sharing the same everyday “hellos” in the hallway
at work, but masking the pain because feeling alone is too hard to explain to those who need to feel needed.
Well, who knows…we probably felt it for different reasons, but counting down the minutes before we would
self-medicate and buy ourselves time. Your thoughts mimicked mine. Except, you’ve decided to make the move….

I know many people who speak about suicide like it is a leading contender on the list of things to do
if other options don’t pan out. A sobering yet invigorating reminder that we are all tortured souls,
and have the power to end it if we really wanted to. That if the unknowing behind the other side were to be
in fact the opposite then we would be quicker to take the plunge. But, I know that if I were not around,
I wouldn’t be able to see what was next, and that enough is a reason to stay around a little longer,
and hope that there isn’t a moment in time where I decide that the next move doesn’t matter.
That I am okay not seeing it through
and weren’t around to explain myself for the past mistakes that I’ve made.

To my friend that I have lost to suicide two days ago-
I share your torment. I decide to cry with a smile and hide the torment that I have inside. I never knew
just how close I would feel to you, now that you’ve passed on. But just know, that you were never alone…
our spirits were just looking down at the ground as we passed by one another in the hall at work.

With all my heart, I hope you found the healing and peace that makes your smile as real as it is beautiful.

k

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I think that I was born drunk.

Because, the stumble has always been there. I’m walking; maybe even jogging forward but I must be blacking out because I don’t remember going down this road before, and I see the bruises on my legs and hear the stories whispering around me…

Just 7 days ago, I watched the sun rise for the 11, 680th time. It still lights up my skies but my world remains in the darkness, same shit different day…

truly.

Nothing seems to be changing… Especially me, and as you can imagine that’s fucking scary when you can’t help but remember that your time is running out. Friends and family and love and options and excitement are all running out the door and I am honestly too tired to try and catch them.

Convincing myself that staying in is the new going out, and even though I’m convinced that my girl isn’t being true, I choose to no longer give her a reaction. I just proactively say my goodbye with my head down and continue stumbling towards my come up…

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San Francisco

Los Angeles

Rosarito

Miami

Cancun

Chicago

Dallas

New York

Washington D.C.

Baltimore

Las Vegas

New Orleans

San Diego-

I had to delete photos of us in all of these places. It took me about 30 minutes.

A reminder that no matter how many places we’ve traveled, our final destination is being strangers in our city.

In vibrant health,

Your ex Kymmie