So, hear me out.
I am watching you sleep.
Well, your back is turned to me so I am watching you from behind…your pinkish/beige panties resting partially between your beautiful ass.
My thoughts start off being perverted, but shift over to thinking about what love means to me. What it means when I whisper I love you while you are snore quietly. I love you. I say it like the words excuse the actions. Like I am trying to convince you that my love is worth more than you. More than respect, more than commitment. The truth is, I have no idea what my love means. What I do know about love is that it scares me. So much so that I am willing to be *just* the right amount of dishonest to keep you away from me, in a safe space where your fear of trust feels less like a full-time job and more like a security blanket, laid affectionately upon you during our coldest fights. I wonder what I am asking for when I request that you forgive me. What it is that I am prepared to work for when I say that I am willing to “do whatever it takes”, and if that means I am going to continue silencing myself in hopes that I never see you frowning in your slumber. You turn over and ask “why?” in a sleepy sadness, and I know that it is me that you are talking to in your dreams. I love you so much that it hurts me to even think about sticking to my own expectations, to stand by my convictions. The truth is, a lie feels much easier than the reality.
Right now, I don’t know what direction we are going in. I know that you are processing yourself to forgive my actions. To go on loving me despite my recent infidelity, my past indiscretions. You are holding on to me, knowing the truth is that the love is real, and the real lie could be that our relationship isn’t…
Sleep peacefully, I will be here when you wake.
All my love,
Finally moving away from the land of stagnation.
Steady going. hands free.
I am free.
Those barriers had me crippled.
They will remain nameless.
Can let my mind breathe.
I’m like a newborn
First feel of the wind.
Blowing me into the correct direction
This new land accepts everything in
I am free.
Boggles my mind just how much we sacrifice in order to feel some sort of power. You were the concrete and I was the broken home that was built on top, appearing solid but crumbling down piece by piece. Your continued dedication despite it all is what hurts even more, how can I lie to someone who seems to love me unconditionally? only battling trust because you are afraid to take an emotional beating. Most times I feel buried in my loyalty to you, because your accusations fall on my shoulders and seem to stay there unwithered. This time I made a bad choice and listened to the voice in my head that said to feed it, feed your need to hide comfortably in “see, I told you I couldn’t trust you”s or whatever, hoping that it would open up a dialogue and show you that I was ready to be your forever…
I stare at my lies in the face.
They have become invaluable to me;
A presence of being majestic,
Taking over my existence.
They have replaced the person that you’ve decided to spend
your life with,
becoming more important than the relationships that
I have committed to.
Who do I tell that I have fallen in love with
my own destruction?
That continuous disappointments have led me down
the path of being satisfied with self sabotage,
and the only thing that matters is that
I stop denying the fact that it has control over me.
I have amputated your arms from your shoulders
Your legs from your hips
Took away your heart from your chest
and left you with nothing but lies you couldn’t keep up with.
Never again in life
Will I confuse this disrespect with love
This codependency with affection
Or this dysfunction as a future.
It took me over 3 years to really take heed
Of just how much I’ve endured and excused
Telling myself that it was normal
When everything and everybody seemed to scream differently.
I’ve never felt so devalued in the name of love
Except for that time when my dad loved me, but if I “was only”…etc then he would be capable of loving me more
She was a mistake that never disguised itself
I just chose to see beauty in someone selfish and inconsiderate
And now, I am truly done.