I keep thinking about the Christmas at our house 2 years ago. Sitting there waiting for your family to show up with their suitcases of food and presents to put under the Christmas tree. I remember feeling a crazy amount of love for you. Feeling like we were both finally home and settled in place. Things were still uneasy but we both knew that no matter what we had each other to lean on and hold when the world thought that we were not enough.
The thought of losing you always scares me, but in the same way that losing a place to live scares me. I feel as though I do not deserve the stability, that I am too irresponsible to take care of things that require care.
We spend so much of our time laughing, loving, thinking, worrying together. So much so, that I feel torn in the decisions that I make. Do I sabotage our relationship because my life is a fucking mess? Or do I hold on to you and hope that you don’t notice? Not equipped to handle situations that I can’t “fix”, I choose to run away. Since I am the biggest obstacle around me, where do I run to get away from myself? I’m still trying to figure it out, and I notice that I trample on the little bit of trust you have along the way.
I want to save you. Save you from me. You deserve a love that will make you feel as safe as you felt that Christmas 2 years ago. I am not sure how to consistently give that to you.