Just keep looking

Nostalgia is hitting me like a ton of bricks this Sunday. I can close my eyes and see the person that I was not too long ago. Before the relationship and the hardship, I was struggling a different kind of way, longing for closeness to someone but not just anyone, all while maintaining to hold the worst parts of me together, tackily hanging all my dysfunction on the walls in my brain, safe enough for me to look at alone.

Can’t say if those times were any better than today. Right now I feel dizzy from all of the thinking, planning, and micro-managing. Wondering what turn I made for things to fall into the space that they’ve fallen in. One thing that I can put my finger on is my disorganization. Things are all over the place. Clothes, shoes, the kitchen, Ambers car. My money situation, my thoughts, my needs, my wants. All jumbled together in a big giant space of mess. I write down what needs to be fixed daily, but once that is done I find myself overwhelmed and feeling spent. Laziness isn’t exactly the feeling, it is more like ignorance, I can admit that I have no idea what I am doing in this game of adulthood. My mom didn’t exactly give me all of the tools needed to succeed, and I am finding with age that there are many, many tools. Some that I have been trying to find for several years. I look at Amber and I wonder what she is thinking, I tell myself that she is crazy to stay with me. On the other hand I can admit that she really has no idea what she has gotten herself into.

Guess she will have to stay tuned.


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