Searching

Forgive me for all of my writing errors.

I just want to get things out until they don’t exist anymore.

Fears hold us down, back, and stuck in a position that we pray to escape from every single moment we are conscious. Conscious of how damaging our positioning is to our state of mind, to our ability to grow, to the chances of someday experiencing something more.

I said that I wouldn’t do this anymore, write subliminal posts on my blog in hopes that my message comes across clearer than actual conversation. I said that no real relationship communicates this way, that it was impossible to really understand what the other was really saying when words and thoughts can be interpreted in any way possible, it is almost like staring at a piece of artwork, how can you really know what the person is expressing when they painted it, unless you were there…in that moment while they created that piece?

But I digress.

It hurts me to know that a piece of you holds on to me because you don’t know how to let go. That it seems you can’t find the significant differences between love and attachment, that you work minimally through life so things just fail, and that you simply roll onto the next thing to hold onto. I feel…no…I think that it is a very unhealthy way of living. How can you know if something is real? How do you know if what you are working towards is something you actually want? That you aren’t just riding the waves until you decide you don’t want it, and then wait for it to just walk away from you? That is a hard way to live.

I have to confess, that a part of me held on to you for reasons beyond us as well. I felt that the failure of us meant that I wasn’t “good” at something, that I would have to deal with the aspect of failure, which you know is very hard for me. I don’t like failure. My life has been full of it.

You say that you left your home. You did, and that is something that sticks with me constantly. I feel that we both made major decisions that we were not in a position to make. And that we both kind of linger on a little bit longer than we should because we don’t know what will happen if we made the decision to cut it loose. Where would you go? What happens when we erase and become nothing? when we once become strangers? Too many questions.

loved you, still do…no question. So us breaking up will make me feel bad feelings, some that you will see when you walk around me. These feelings consume me, but they are distant fragments of my mind when I am alone, that is why I beg for you to leave me to process things the way that works for me.

I hope that you find what you are looking for, and that the person you choose to be with after me makes sense to you, that they feel like home for you…and help you to find yourself. I guess I have to let it all go and do the same, as I am searching as well…and we have both been looking in the wrong places.

-K

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