Journal Entry: Plans

If you only knew of my plans.
They are full and adventurous. Require an open mind and strength.
There was one morning when I woke up around 3 am, a common occurrence when my mind is clouded. You were snoring lightly, laying right beside me with your arm resting across my rib. I was thinking about my plans. I always have some, whether they are short-term or reserved for moments very far away…I am writing it down, going over it in my head, putting details together. In that moment, I told myself that my next couple of moves would include you. Getting a puppy, starting a poetry book together, even surprising you with a ticket to Dallas so you could see your best friend. So many plans…so many hopes, ideas. That day, I had finally felt like the relationship was on the right track. Sure, we bickered a little, had a fight every once in a while, but we were getting to a place of understanding. I felt like you were beginning to understand who I was, and I was getting a better idea of who you were as well.  I got so excited because that was the moment that I’d been waiting for. That moment of comfort, knowing that I wasn’t just dating this girl on a trial basis. You were your most beautiful to me, because the layers were beginning to peel away, and although you were at times embarrassed about things, I saw them as true identifiers of you, someone who I was trying to know on a deeper level, one that couldn’t be tainted by outside sources.
I had planned a special evening with you for this weekend. The dinner…wasn’t enough for me. I am extravagant when it comes to romance, I want to do things for the ones that I love, I think that I’ve shared that and have even shown that in many ways. I made sure to pick up the bottle of wine and items I needed for my plan. It was to drive us to a park by the water in Pacific Beach, give you your Valentines Day present, talk, and give you the poem that I wrote for the occasion. I also purchased 3 tickets to go paintballing with your sister, because she wanted that and you wanted it as well. I have and would do anything for you. Thats just me.
Always changing plans.
I wish….you were in my body. I wish you could see just how much I’ve planned for you. For us. But, It’s so hard to stick to plans now, because this doesn’t feel right. This doesn’t feel like love. When you walked in the door, attitude ruled. No affection. No care. No plans to show me you missed me. I tried to coax myself by saying “Kym, ignore it. She shows the effort. Right?” No. Not right. Your effort is not matched. It is not equal. It is not planned…and executed, on any level. Ever. As much as it pains me to accept this as truth, we just can’t ever plan anything together, because we are in two different places. In life, in beliefs, in this relationship. I can’t…keep planning things and feeling disappointed.
You left, walked out without closing my door, with my mother sleeping on the couch. No respect. It made me think of my plans again. I always have them. They always include you…but perhaps your actions are telling me that I need to change them. 

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