Sex is a universal language. A highly emotional action. A human commonality, yet for most of us- can have different meanings and factors. Sex is art. It can be misleading, even painful. Sex for some is like the first love that never goes away, or on a darker note, can bring back reminiscence of that bad experience you had as a child or that relationship where sex was used as a weapon of mental or even physical destruction.
A very brief conversation with a certain someone made me think about what sex translated to be for me. Why I wanted it, why I wanted it from them. Inside of my head, my message is passion. I expect my touch to say “I want you..”, for my eyes to say “I want to kiss you..” but from the conversation we had it seems that my message is actually cheapened with sexual innuendos and disrespectful banter that causes my lover to see me as a pseudo male figure who objectifies them for my pleasure.
Sex for me is like my writing. It speaks the words that I sometimes have to stifle, because I don’t want to be too intense. It is how I show my interest, my affection, my care. It isn’t the ONLY way, of course. But it is the most physical way. However, it wasn’t always been that way. In the past, I’ve used it as a tool to gain power over someone. In my way of life, being with women is very emotional. Women pay attention to the things that truly matter, and that is where love grows. Someone who knows that can definitely take advantage of it, and I have. Looking back at it, I think it shows a sign of me being weak. At my weakest point. I was simply an empty person trying to fill a void that not even another warm human body to fill. Seeking someone special to be placed into my life, so I could see them for MORE than just sex, more than just someone that I could hook into my life, and then throw back in the water of once I am finished with them.
I don’t know if that’s what I have yet. I am hoping so. I guess I’ll be able to tell when my lover wants to touch me as much as I want to do them. When sex for them becomes more than a question…it will become more like magic.