The exact/On a journey to purpose

I have taken footsteps through many lives;

Some as escapes of my own;

Walking down lost paths, on a happiness scavenger

hunt, perpetuating the willingness of re-opening my eyes

and continuing respiration in hope of another day and

new narration to my life, a chance to recreate stories.

Desolate as I walk these paths through many lives

Many people stumble across my feet

I wonder, will they ever pack their sanity and take this journey with me?

until then, I will stand alone with

Cuts on the bottom of my feet, scars due to

walking back and forth from reality to imaginary

broken pieces of yesterday sprinkled onto my today

keeps my heart from healing along with these blemishes.

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Heart/Mind- A Divided Partnership

A divided partnership

My mind is this relationships backbone

Putting the abuse into perspective

I love him, my heart broken with actions

but mended with words

Skipping a beat when I hear the beat of your ringtone

You’ve walked on me for the last time

Your fabricated words of love so heavy, trying to crack my hearts shield

But not with those unloving actions administering this experience

Each touch feels like silk, nothing can replace this exciting

anxiety as it hits me in speeds like going through a wind tunnel.

A part of me feels cheated, left with nothing to show but gray hairs

and my thoughts.

My mind is this relationships backbone.

My heart is this relationships cheerleader.

Dancing, bouncing across walls. My picture perfect family

too many blemishes.

My heart, my mind. A divided partnership.

With each thought moving me forward

Each heart beat moving me backward

A twisted dance created by insecurity masked in contentment.

You Don’t Know Me.

You’ve seen me as I shared my cries
told stories of my life, and still held my head up high
but,
You don’t know me.

And even when I chose to share my secrets…
vulnerable , a wounded imperfect human
who chose to love your like-wise imperfection
but,
You don’t know me.

Years and years brought undiscovered changes
both embraced and scary
and I was shown early that this life could be demeaning
thought I’d always have someone there to make it easy
but,
Now..you don’t know me.

Guess this has taught me one thing
you were a long awaiting lesson in the making
and it took only crippling life change to see,
that I never knew you.

Hard to have faith in humanity
when you spend decades of your time building what
you’d think was unbreakable..

Relationships and love ending can throw acid on your ability
to build with anyone else again.

Update

I can’t believe that it has been two months since i’ve posted any type of creative writing onto my blog. Odd, but definitely because I can’t seem to finish anything that I have been starting, a writers nightmare. I am stuck in a state of Nostalgia, the exact thing that I am longing for is a mystery, however. I can’t pinpoint it to be a person, even though I have lost many, many friends in the past year. (That sounds terrible…) But I view it as shedding layers, shedding dead weight. Not all relationships are meant to last, and the ones that i’ve lost were never meant to last. So I am certain it is not that. Perhaps it is stress? lately, I have been dealing with a few health issues…some things that people don’t know about, other things people don’t care about (lol), but either way…I guess it has caused a little bit of stress on my head. So…I am going to try and post some stuff to keep things up to date with my readers.

I feel different.
It’s real this time, and very scary.
The difference consists of finding out how much of a stranger I am, to myself. Impossible for me to be known by outsiders, the truth is that I am in some sort of Pandora’s box of mystery, if it is opened it might take me to a place of no return. It may even destroy me. What is even more frightening is what not knowing what would be left of me when I am gone. What message did I send to everyone else? and what have I taught them through our relationship?….far far too many were left with chapters unread, some left with nothing on the pages, in those instances we had simply walked away mid-story with little desire to keep the creative juices flowing. Would the urge to know the real ending emerge if I were gone? Or will me being gone be the happily ever after in their version of what should be penned? if that were the case then I couldn’t blame them.

Sometimes I look at the things that I write, and I see why I am pegged as a dark writer. I don’t like the word dark to describe it though. When you think of dark, you think of depressed..sad…hurtful. I am none of those things all of the time, no more than any other human. I am no victim, my woes are simply story-starters. I’d rather look at myself as the fluid writer. I want you to see clearly through me, I want you to know exactly where my head was when I sat down to type this. I want you to envision exactly what it would be like to be me. At this time…and I am not 100% there yet, but that is my goal.

Stay with me guys, I have some amazing things to show you…

Bedtime Stores I

I laid spread out across a wonderland.
Everything around me was an amusement park. I heard sounds that transformed into moans, felt goosebumps rise upon my skin that felt like kisses, I kept my eyes closed because I knew that just one peek could take me away from this moment. She kissed me on my forehead first, her hot body hovering over me like a protection shield. Over 5 ft and 9 inches of her soft frame kept me wanting more. She whispered in my ear not to move a muscle, I did as I was told. She wanted to control my every move, I wanted to be controlled because everything in my life was out of control, it was a bowl of desiderata, every aspect of it had some unfulfilled need. That fact alone made this exact moment that much more intense.

I wanted things to be easy for once, for my decisions to feel right, for all of my past mistakes to disappear. Yeah. This is exactly where things needed to be if I was going to spend another second here on this planet. I think that she knew it too, because her confidence level was overpowering my discomfort, she knew of her capabilities, and any other time I would have been completely apprehensive of that, but this time it was okay. This time, I’d let the butterflies in my stomach roam…

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