First, can I say that the repeated Christmas music playing on my work radio station makes me want to single-handedly pull every out every single hair out of my head?
This IS my journal, right? Sigh.
Ok, on to business.
Exactly when is that defining moment,
That moment when you know from the bottom of your heart
that a relationship/friendship is over?
Is it when you can’t carry on a normal conversation without feeling a tinge of resentment
or seeing them and not noticing the sun shine but the rain clouds form?
How do you know that you literally have no strength to carry on and fight
or that is pride that stops you from waiting just a little while longer for the feelings to subside?
I have never considered myself to be the perfect “friend”. I am hardly the perfect anything, but who is?
I do however, consider myself to be a loyal friend if I feel that it is something that wouldn’t be taken in vain. I know I know..there goes that stubborn leo pride again but damnit! Who wants to feel used, am I right? This exact thought came scurrying across my noggin last night as I was prepping to write an article on health concerns for Black women in my community. (“How exactly do these two topics relate? I have no idea but oh well) I thought to myself “Damn Kym…why is it that you have such an issue holding on to any lasting relationships? It has to be something you are doing. What is it?” The voice was nagging at me, the question was poking at me. What exactly am I doing wrong? where am I a loyal friend and I still to have yet found friendships that are worth holding onto? I decided to take a break from my article and jot down a few ideas, and here is what I came up with.
I am intolerable:
I really, really, really have a hard time when it comes to tolerating things that I don’t like. If someone does something that I can’t really stomach, like spread my business to give an example, then even things like small talk phone conversations are hard to stomach. Eventually, I will find a reason to stop calling or coming around all together. Unfortunately, this has been the type of situation that ruins a lot of my friendships.
I can be very introspective:
Ok, so as many people have, I have been through a lot in my 27 years on this planet. Mix that with the fact that I am very much a writer and it causes me to temporarily leave mentally to “think” about things. I’ve noticed that a lot of people can’t really relate to that. They take it as me being quiet, mean, reserved, and moody. I can especially be this way if I am going through something that is emotionally hurtful or traumatizing to me. I do not respond outwardly, I have always been able to take things internally and sift through them until I get to the hard place in my mind and process it in what I feel is normal.
I tend to look at things in a Black or White way:
Compassion. I suppose that we all have it, it just depends on what you naturally feel compassionate about. I feel like I am a compassionate person, but I do have a hard time with people making excuses to be rotten based on what they have went through in life. I think it is because I have been faced with some pretty hard stuff, and had to get through it all on my own. No friends or family to healthily get me through it. I think that hardship should promote growth. I can’t really feel compassion towards someones situation if they are using it as a crutch to hold themselves/others down in a pit-hole of pity. Or…maybe i’m just an asshole?
I don’t trust anyone:
Can’t really say why that is and if I even want to change it. To tell you the truth…I don’t want to. Expectations leave the floor open for disappointment. I can’t expect anything from another person, because lets face it…who knows what they are capable of. THEY don’t even know what they are capable of. That alone gives me an excuse to keep all of that trust stuff at arm’s length. Not saying its good, but its real.
So, those are a few things that I have managed to come up with. Gosh. Rotten list! I sound like a bitter and scorned woman lol. But, I don’t feel that way. I guess that all it really boils down to is, no one is perfect..no one is perfect FOR YOU…but you find what situations are worth hanging in there for and which ones aren’t (by mutual agreement either way), and paying attention to the foundation of your relationship, and not the dirt that may be laying on top of it..which may be easy to clean if both parties are willing to do the work.
One more thing!
I am now a journalist for a newspaper in San Diego, The Voice and Viewpoint! Yeah baby! If you didn’t know, (which you probably didn’t), I have no formal education in journalistic OR creative writing, so the fact that they want me to write for them means a ton to me, especially because I get to do what I love and get paid for it, as well as the fact that I get to learn, learn, and learn some more.
Enough about my flawed(less) ways…Thank you for stopping by! 😉