Letter to myself

If you had to write a letter to your previous or present self, what would it say? Do you know? I sure didn’t! And the idea was both creative and comforting. I was told that you really wanted to get an idea of how you feel, you should write a letter addressed to oneself. Here is mine….

Dear Me,

Wow, this is weird. Trying to find the correct words and ways to say something to you without sounding too dark or too negative. I recognize you for who you really are.You hate to be exposed, unclosed because you know the territory with having your heart ajar. People are tricky ones, their faces and eyes can be either deceitful or reprehensibly judged just because you can never tell. I know what happened to you during childhood, the few memories that you do have. The ones that make you feel some type of way, even until this day. I know about the people who have taken your innocence away and the teachers who didn’t believe in you. The kids who called you “crusty” , the ones who have made fun of your African descent, the boys who didn’t want you, and the family members who believed you weren’t good enough for them. I know all about that, I know how it aches you until this day. You don’t really hide it well. You have a crumbling wall, you are strong but for how long? Being at your age, hating love and loving to hate doesn’t make for a “normal” bout of intimacy, which all together is a puzzle. Your twisted heart causes pain to those who give themselves to you, and you interpret this as power of psyche and trust from the other party, only to leave them with a broken spirit. Temporarily of course.  It is because you have a lot of things that you need to let go. You are a shield, protecting yourself and others. You are passionate but indifferent, A confusing oxy-moron in the form of a woman with a contorted confidence. What I would like to know, is how do you expect to move forward if your present is so distorted? Living in motels for the a few years has created an almost destructive form of strength, the kind that has boxed up with the rest of your emotions, that is why your head is throbbing at this very moment. Being unstable is a very scary thing for you, because you know you are alone. Come clean to yourself. You are also very confused about your spirituality, it doesn’t take a lot to break it, It is very weak.  At your age, you are starting to feel the urgency of change. Being sunken underneath repeated layers of mud you will guaranteed to come out very dirty, But the good thing about coming out of the mud is you will then have an opportunity to clean yourself, clean your soul.

If only we could bathe ourselves in the worlds beauty.
Bite into a fruit to clean our souls.
And our eyes could only see what made our insides smile.
If only.

-K

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