Apothic Sweet Red

Nothing more dangerous than a mind that is both ill and creative.

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Journal entry- 6/11/2018

I have made many excuses in my life. Most of them affect no one more than they have affected myself. I have had many days before where I would want to make a change, and made a plan to change, but never really had to “resources” to do so. I did not realize it until today, but the one and only resource that I was lacking and needed was the genuine want to make a difference in my own life. Looking at things through the perspective of negativity, shaking along and faking the truth lack of growth in my life has been my biggest distraction. I am surprised at how long I have been able to go along with this charade, but man do I feel wonderful about my epiphany today. I had a conversation with my boss, the director of sales, Jon- and came across something in our talking that really resonated with me. I had spent previous times downplaying what I can learn from Jon and people like him, because of frivolous and distracting reasons, but after talking and realizing how amazing this guy is, I shut my mind up to listen to what he said to me, We spoke about personal things in our current lives, and even our past. He had experienced homeless as I have, he had a parent who was addicted to drugs and has spent his life trying to learn how to trust people. In the conversation, not once did he tell me his story to make it seem like a shortcoming in his life or an excuse. He gets up with enough energy to motivate his team of sales people who are ALL remote. He managed to get his bachelors and masters’ degree despite an upbringing that could have kept him down. He kept going.

As I see myself going off on a tangent here, I want to bring it back around and say that not only was I inspired, I was able to get that real wake up call that I had been lacking in my life previously. I now want to become what I believe. I now believe that I can be whatever I choose to be, if I could just get out of my own way. No ifs. I am getting out of my own way. Today. Right now. And I am using this post to hold myself accountable.

  1. Getting up at 5 am in the morning and making the most out of the first hour of my day.
  2. Making a goal plan list for my day, and putting it up in front of my work wall
  3. Create a positivity journal.

I want to start with these 3 things, and will come back to this post on July 11th, 2018 and evaluate the changes in my life. I am ready for this.

 

 

the city that never sleeps.

Something about today reminds me of my days in the city.
I was twenty2…possibly twenty3, running from trouble but always
walking into it. Back then, being drunk off of stoli in a Russian bar sometime in the late mornings felt like the paradise that life had kept from me. I can still smell the cig smoke in the air, which
always gave me a nostalgic reminder of my childhood, when I would inhale the space around my mother to take in her Menthols;
It was always the only thing that made me feel at home…

It took me a while to figure out why these moments lingered with me
today, but I figured it out once I found myself yearning for a quiet space to run to…

I am the city that never sleeps.

My skin kind of reminds me of the streets…gritty and grimy both aesthetically and internally. There are traces of footsteps on my skin…under my skin…in places that I never even acknowledged. People sometimes find me
beautiful; some find me ugly. Never considering that their emotional loitering leaves me with blemishes. Never considering that I never sleep
because of the noise that they choose to unload in my space…Because I’m complicated;
mentally crowded…

And praying for a darker, quiet place to call home.

Good Travels~ كَهرمان #1

Why do I miss you most when my laugh is lonely?

Or when holding my breath in desperation for the end, means I can’t say goodbye?

Your love at its peak is my weakness, yet I only seek it when my arms are empty…no matter it 5 or 500 miles…

Maybe our love poetry lives in another city? Following the path of inspiration, and I am here subconsciously trying to bring it back with me?

Perhaps.

Just hold on.

Cripple

Dance today

Because you don’t know when life will cripple you

Sing loudly

Because there will be a moment when your voice will be taken away

Enjoy the sun my love

Gloomy days will loom

And enjoy the wine

Because at some time your ability will be taken away from you

That’d be crazy

Sometimes I feel invincible.

Sometimes, I feel like

Nothing grows

And the sun never shines.

Alone in the world

But with 1000 hearts to cater to.

Sometimes,

I feel like

Maybe

I should run away or something

Jump on a plane

Or a train,

So far away that even I wouldn’t know me.