Sometimes I feel invincible.
Sometimes, I feel like
And the sun never shines.
Alone in the world
But with 1000 hearts to cater to.
I feel like
I should run away or something
Jump on a plane
Or a train,
So far away that even I wouldn’t know me.
I refuse to let this shit break me.
Me voicing my needs
Was white noise.
My silence will be deafening.
…don’t work anymore?
I dont have the answer yet, so I am hoping that as I type away my feelings it will magically appear.
I was reading a poem by Brenda Shauhnessy, titled “Why I Stayed 1997-2001”, and it talked about the failing relationship between herself and her partner.
It makes me think about our situation. You stay and made it seem that it would always be that way, even though the moments we shared were too often spent expressing why you shouldn’t. Fights for time, respect, admiration. Loving so hard but scared because deep down inside you knew our relationship had an invisible expiration date next to it. I can’t help but wonder if our relationship is made of teflon, or so badly broken that we are numb to any new adversities. Our love is a powerful love, partly because neither one has had a chance to experience something better (?), or at least that is my perspective, but I can’t help to wonder if that is acceptable? Should we be okay with unexceptional? With the fact that every single move we make has to work for the other, even though it never really works for the other?
Home is never really home. No, I don’t believe either one of us is comfortable. We don’t take our shoes off, unpack our bags, decorate. I take responsibility for this. I was never ready for this situation, and I don’t think you were either.
A break up
feels like a break in.
Why do you continue to invade
the space I am in?
Now that you see that it is a
mess, you want to complain
of its condition…
This one is a doooozy.
I am as high as a kite; the world is woozy…
and coming down would be walking into the approaching
waters of a category 5 hurricane, suicide by drowning in my own
obscurity. So, I will just stay up here where I can be lost
and not feel guilty because I can’t find my way. A mental
drifter with no real home or place to stay; calmness forming
because I know that my time is coming up short and I won’t
have to prepare for another race to pretend I am okay. Just
a memory down a timeline where people play like they were
there with me along the way.
I was reluctant to post this one, because I wrote it last week after a binge of Xanax
and Zoloft, trying to take the edge off. In retrospect, I realize how dangerous my
mind was sitting in that moment in time. My life sparks were slowly burning off, one by
one, and I honestly wasn’t afraid of the darkness, should it have me.
I am sharing this because I want someone else who is reading this and can relate to understand that you are NOT alone. Often times, we feel like others don’t care about what we are going through, but really it is because they don’t know how to respond. When someone lacks remembrance that they have a purpose/or they have lost it (and I feel that it is better to understand that we do NOT know what our purpose ..but rather, that we have one period) then it is easier to give up on life.
I see a lot of people letting us know that life for them is ending soon on social media. It breaks my heart because I can relate. I can relate to the cry for help, and I can relate to not wanting to face it/be talked down to about it/have it be minimized. Depression is a real ,REAL thing, and if I can help one other person feel like they need to speak their hardest thoughts then I am here to listen with my whole heart, mind, and soul.
She who is your closest friend
hugs your heart tight
until it beats harder to loosen
She loves you more than others
love you. She loves you more than
you love you. Like a birth
mark, she will be there to disfigure
and distinguish you from others,
but can camouflage into your skin
so well that others may see her,
but only if they are paying enough