Ah..

Here we are; at the dreaded moment where my grief and my depression have met one another, and their new found friendship is surely to mean destruction for me.

I can already see the dark moments with so much clarity, my grief makes me mean.

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Hesrt beating fast

Mind moving harder

Its too easy to miss this, the things you do

I am doing everything I can to not fall apart from the damage my more recent life has created.

Trying to do my best at not losing my motivation.

Its like 5 years worth of frustration is bubbling to the top of me, and I am getting angry everytime I think about it.

The depression hit me like a bag of bricks. I am silently waiting for a heart attack to come and take me away, remove me from my expectations, take me away from my sadness.

I am feeling so. So. Alone. Does that mean that I go into my true nature of a lonesome and stop trying to connect with humans, as they dont want me? I see the way they start at me. I see the way the give me the side eye. Probably thinking that I am fake. Not knowing that I am instead lost, wasting away with every day that wakes.

Unsteady waters

The waters are quite unsteady

Here in the ocean of grief;

My boat is rocking side to side,

Keeping me seasick.

I wonder if I jump in if it would

Sink me down to the bottom,

Where I am sure others before me sought

Just a moment of solidity and peace,

Or if I would disappear into the waves

And wash up on shore, where others

Who have yet to sail these waters

Pretend to understand my misery?

Daily mantra.

Count to ten.
do it again.
Stay or go? Accept, or pretend?
The truth is honey, I know it is the end.
no more fighting the past, or fighting to last
when the obvious is right in front of my eyes.
i am merely dust molded up into cries of a sad poem,
hoping that one day someone will make me into
a real person. loveable. the kind that the world talks about.
Instead I am seconds away from breaking apart, and blowing with the wind.
Unless I count to ten,
and do it again.
Continually asking this time do I stay or go?
Accept, or pretend?